A Reflection on DEAR MAN
A Simple Tool That Strengthens Communication and Relationships
Communication is at the heart of every meaningful relationship, whether it's with a partner, friend, family or coworker. Yet so often, we don’t say what we really need. We avoid asking, we hint instead of speaking clearly, or we explode after holding things in. That’s where DEAR MAN comes in. Originally developed in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), DEAR MAN is a tool designed to help you communicate assertively and kindly, especially when you're making a request, setting a boundary, or expressing something important.
What Is DEAR MAN?
DEAR MAN is an acronym that guides you step-by-step through a healthy way to speak up:
D — Describe the situation clearly and factually
E — Express your feelings and thoughts
A — Assert what you need or want
R — Reinforce why it benefits both sides or how it matters
M — Mindful of your goal (don’t get sidetracked)
A — Appear confident (in your voice, body, tone)
N — Negotiate when needed (find middle ground)
It’s direct, kind, and focused—not manipulative, aggressive, or passive.
When Can We Use DEAR MAN?
Any time you need to:
Ask for something (attention, help, change, understanding)
Say no without guilt
Share a boundary or feeling without blowing up
Resolve conflict while staying connected
It’s especially powerful in close relationships, where emotions run deeper and misunderstandings can build over time.
Everyday Examples in Real Life
Scenario 1 - Romantic Relationship : You feel disconnected because your partner has been on their phone during dinner.
D: “I noticed you’ve been scrolling on your phone while we eat.”
E: “I feel a bit hurt and disconnected when that happens.”
A: “I’d really love if we could have dinner without screens, even just a few nights a week.”
R: “It would help me feel more present and connected to you.”
Scenario 2 - Friendship: One-Sided Contact, A friend only calls or texts you when they’re upset, need advice, or want help—but rarely checks in or offers support when you’re going through something.
D: “I’ve noticed that most of the time when I hear from you, it’s when you’re going through something or need help.”
E: “I care about you, but I also feel a little used or invisible when our friendship feels one-sided.”
A: “I’d really appreciate it if we could talk more regularly, not just when things go wrong.”
R: “I think we’d feel more connected if there was more balance—where we both feel supported.”
M: (Stay focused on your request, even if they get defensive or change the subject.)
A: (Speak calmly and kindly, like your voice and needs matter.)
N: “Maybe we could try catching up just to check in sometimes—I’d love that.”
The beauty of DEAR MAN
The beauty of DEAR MAN is that it lets us be honest and kind at the same time. We learn to stand up for ourselves without stepping on others. We give the people in our lives a chance to understand us more clearly, instead of guessing or getting defensive. When we practice this kind of communication—especially in the messy, emotional spaces of love, family, and friendship—we build trust, respect, and deeper connection.
